


Say It Out Loud

by DaydreamsAreMadeOfThese



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional, F/M, Fluff, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, OTP Feels, One True Pairing, Sweet, Transformation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:35:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27541678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaydreamsAreMadeOfThese/pseuds/DaydreamsAreMadeOfThese
Summary: Sam knows something's wrong, and it's finally time to confront Dean.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 155





	Say It Out Loud

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place a few months after s15e19 not taking into account anything we will find out in the finale episode which hasn't aired yet.
> 
> Written to try and cope with how episode 19 went.

"Hey what are you doing out here?" 

Sam came out of the bunker with two coffees in hand. He knew Dean had been quiet after they had defeated Chuck, but it was starting to worry him. Their hunter life was basically over, they could help people but not in the way they used to.

Dean raised his eyebrows acknowledging Sam and took the second mug.

"I just thought I'd catch the sunrise." He took a slow sip and watched the steam blur his vision.  
"Remember when we used to catch sunrises driving all over the country? I guess we don't have to be doing that anymore."

"We can still roadtrip Dean. We just won't be hunting. Jack seems to have taken care of all that now."

Dean grunted. "Yeah he took care of a lot of things." 

"I mean what did you want? All the monsters to come back?" Sam scoffed.

"No, no...not the monsters." He shifted leaning forward in his chair.

"Dean, I'm sorry…" he was cut off before he could continue.

"Stop, don't." Swallowing hard, he cleared his throat of the small choking tears. "I'm happy for you and Eileen, really. Cas sacrificed himself for me. I...I can't take that away from him. And we haven't seen Jack in months. If he could bring Cas back he would have by now." He sipped his coffee and held the warm mug like it was life.

"Have you asked Jack?" Sam felt guilty every day for the happiness and peace he had now. He hoped his brother would fall into a new life but it seemed like he was purposefully resisting settling into this new reality.

"Oh, no I mean the kid has so much to take care of." He lied, he had asked once. The night they got home from their victory and he didn't find Cas in the bunker. He didn't want to admit that he had tried and Jack hadn't answered his prayer, his desperate plea.

"If Jack does bring him back…"Sam took a breath seeing his brother's reaction. Dean winced his eyebrows furrowed in a look of anguish. "...would you allow yourself to love him the way he loves you."

Dean's heart was beating like a drum in his throat and ears. Sam had never been so direct before. Usually he danced around the topic afraid of his brother's reaction. 

Sam pushed more, "What if, Cas had been in a female vessel when you met him?"

Dean gave Sam a death stare full of tears. "Jesus, Sam...how could you…" he stood up quickly and threw his mug out towards the sunset which was just starting to make the world awake again. 

"Dean! Calm down! I mean you two looked in love for years but nothing. I thought, and I think he did too that his vessel stopped you two from ever being more."

He was pacing now, arms up, and hands gripping the back of his neck like he was trying to peel his skin away. He didn't know what to say, how to explain. After several long pained moments he could feel himself calm down. The sun was now changing the dark blues to all pales. He took a long deep breath, taking in all of the fresh cold air. His hot eyes were cooling and he wiped away the tears so Sammy couldn't see.

"It was never about the vessel." He almost whispered it but Sam heard. "Cas was the best of us, even when he was evil." He grinned to himself. "He was an angel, as big as the Chrysler building...you know...one time when we separated because of some stupid fight I drove there. I went to the top and looked out at the city. All I could imagine was Cas's true form staring at me, eye level. It hit me there. I was never gonna be worthy."

Sam was confused, "Okay, but what about Anna? She was an angel."

Dean chuckled a little. "Sure, but she was human really. I mean when her and I, we connected. But it was not the same, she didn't have her grace even. I feel like the moment Cas pulled me out of hell that was it. I was his, it took me a long time to not believe it was just something Chuck had written though. I kept thinking this was part of a melodrama he orchestrated, I think he did with Anna actually." He paused reflecting on it all. 

"When Chuck said that our world is the only one that Cas didn't do what he was written to, it hit me. Our bond was always real, it was always pure, it was ours." Hot tears started to flow again and he wiped them away. "I didn't get to tell him I loved him Sam. The Empty took him before I could even process what was happening."

Sam was stunned, he didn't always give his brother credit for being emotional or much of a deep thinker. But, he realised, how could he not be? A new found respect flooded over him, and a sorrow for knowing how much pain Dean had been through while he's been loving every moment of this new life.

"Keep praying to Jack. I know he'll hear you, he loves Cas too. If Chuck could pull Lucifer out of the Empty I'm sure Jack can for Cas." Sam's optimism was not always infectious, and Dean often resented him for being able to try and find a silver lining.

"Did you really think...that I wouldn't have been with Cas because of his vessel?" Dean's voice sounded small and almost afraid to say the words. 

"Well, I mean you do come off as a macho hetero guy. I can see why Cas might have thought there would be no chance with you, he...I shouldn't tell you this." Sam wriggled on his chair and set down his coffee. "Cas once asked me if his vessel was displeasing to you. I didn't understand for a while what he meant, but it became pretty clear the way he would look at you, only respond when you prayed to him, and generally was only interested if you were involved." 

"Displeasing...He had the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. I never cared what vessel Cas was in. I wish I could be with Cas in his true form. But I would burn to nothing in an instant. Even when he was human he felt to good for me."

The sun was now peaking out from the tops of the treeline making them squint adjusting to the light. But the light was different, it shown blue, purple, and the most radiant white. Sam shielded his eyes unable to look anymore. Dean did for an instant but found he could see okay actually.

A giant figure made of wings and eyes came walking toward them way out behind the treeline.

"Jack?!" Sam pointed behind Dean where Jack was smiling watching the figure walk towards them. 

Dean felt it, he knew what was happening. He didn't even look behind him and went running down the open field towards the being. 

"Jack, but how can Dean see him? He's going to burn!"

"No, he won't. Dean can see Cas now. I was waiting, I needed to hear Dean say it. If a vessel was all Cas was to him then he was better in the Empty having sacrificed himself for love. But Dean does love Cas. Cas should get a chance to experience real love."

"Castiel" Jack's voice boomed, shaking the ground. "You have a choice, you can remain an angel keeping your true form and the chance to possibly find another vessel, or you can become human using the vessel you have bonded with and live a human life."

"Very well." Jack disappeared in an instant leaving Sam there by himself having missed part of the conversation.

The giant being instantly disappeared and Sam could focus his eyes. He saw Dean still running, but there was a figure there. He knew it was Castiel even though it was shrouded in a dark shadow.

Dean threw his arms around Cas almost knocking him over. They were chuckling with joy not wanting to pull away from each other. 

After a few moment Dean pulled away to look at him more closely. The blue eyes caught his breath and before he could speak he found their lips connecting. 

The kiss began firm but chaste. Dean didn't want to wait another moment and whispered, "I love you." Cas's lips gave way, opening to Dean as their kiss deepened. Their hands held each other closely while Dean's traveled to the back of Cas's neck. 

When they pulled away from the kiss their foreheads rested against each other. "You taste like coffee, is that how you've always tasted?" Cas asked quizzically. 

Dean laughed he couldn't hold it back. His head was raised to the sky as he tried to contain himself. 

Sam pulled out his phone writing to Eileen to get outside right now. He knew she would hold this over his head if he didn't.

\---- Added late 11/13

Eileen came bursting out through the door to see Dean and Cas down the hill in a tight embrace. Grinning she looked over to Sam who had the most coy smile. 

He signed, "See, I told ya."

She play slapped at him, and he caught her hand pulling her against him. A little surprised she stumbled, but he held her tight.

Sam found that with Eileen he didn't need to talk to communicate. While they often signed, and she could read their lips quite well, just looking at each other they were always on the same level of thinking.

Staring down at her he tried to show his love through his eyes. She understood, nodded and signed, "Of course you do." Grinning and taking a moment she then signed, "I love you too."

She tucked herself under his arm perfectly and they watched Dean and Cas in their joy. They had spent the last few months discussing what they should do about Dean. It was all starting to spiral. Dean always drank to celebrate, to finish a hard day, but his level of drinking and self destruction even though they all had won was beginning to really worry them both.

Every night Sam and Eileen would pray to Jack. Not in the traditional praying to God with a wishlist and confessional. Sam's was always talking about the day. He used it as a way to help cherish each extra day they had now, but also like it was writing a letter to a family member.

Eileen's prayers were like a checklist. She talked about all the things they planned to do the next day, what they had completed from the day they just finished. It was far more informational but still full of heart even though she didn't get a lot of time with Jack before he became God.

The thing that was the same for both of them though, was to ask Jack to watch over Dean. While they had asked for Cas back several times, they were more concerned for Dean and the sadness that was taking root.

Dean and Cas were now walking up to the bunker. Grins on both their faces Dean hesitated for a moment in an awkward feeling of "this is what couples do, but I've never been in a healthy relationship my entire life moment" and then reached for Cas's hand. He was not going to let his inner failings and hate traps he's always set for himself get in the way of this. He wanted every annoying, frilly, frustrating, and joyous moment that has escaped him in the past.

Cas, a little unsure of this human tradition, wasn't sure what to do at first. Dean's hand was strong and gripping between his fingers locking his palm against Dean's. Cas's fingers were just open at first, but it felt odd. He tried to remember seeing humans holding hands and then he gripped his fingers just like Dean was doing. A small surge of excitement rushed through his human body. He felt slightly faint, his heart was beating like crazy, tingles were running up and down his arm to his brain.

He stopped moving for a moment and Dean abruptly was pulled to look at him.

"You okay?" Dean was suddenly very afraid.

"I...I don't know. I have never felt this before, even when I was human a long time ago." He had a concerned look on his face. "I feel tingly, my heart is beating very fast. I feel a joy, but this is so intense. Is this a heart attack? Should I be eating toast?"

Dean wanted to giggle a little, but he ate his laughter pushing his lips down tightly against each other. He placed his arms on Cas's shoulders and got a very serious sounding voice, "Cas, you are going die."  
Cas's eyes went wide, "But I just got here!"

"One day, you will die, and so will I. But we get to do that together now. No Chuck and no Jack will take that away from us." 

"So, are we dying right now? Do you have the tingles too?" Cas was seriously concerned.

Dean leaned in and kissed him deeply. He pulled back staring into those blue eyes. "Yes, I have the tingles too. But we aren't dying right now. This is how it feels, this is love Cas, at least I think. I've not felt this with anyone before."

Cas grinned, took Dean's hand in his and they continued to the bunker.

\--- added 11/15

Cas spent his first day back from the Empty and human in utter bliss.   
Eileen and Sam were quick to offer anything he could need. He had only the clothes on his back which thankfully were his favorite clothes. I didn’t want to go anywhere but stay at the bunker. Even though Jack brought him back he couldn’t help but question everything and worry it could all be gone in an instant. They all laughed, cried, and enjoyed the day full of food and drink. Everything tasted so sharp, the water was so clean, he had forgotten so much from being human. 

The clock in the main hall was reading 7:30. The sun was falling outside and Dean knew it would be dark in another 20 minutes. Going to the kitchen he put a kettle on. He listened to Sam and Castiel laugh about some old case in the early days and what a blunder they had made of it.

Pulling two mugs from the cupboard he placed a tea bag in each. He hid his love of tea from Sam. He didn't want to hear it so he put them in an empty metal box of Saltines he had found in the bunker. These were a Hot Cinnamon black tea that had become his favorite. He poured the hot water over them enjoying the first intense smell as it began to infuse. He crept back seeing they were still all at the table. Cas saw him from where he was sitting. Dean motioned with his head and eyes to head topside.

"Well I better go, Dean is trying to tell me something with his head."

Sam and Eileen both turned around to see Dean's head in a very awkward motion.   
"You okay there?" Sam had his usual smug raised eyebrows when he knew Dean was being a fool.

Dean cleared his throat. "Ugh, yeah I'm fine. Just trying to smoothly ask my boyfriend to come up and watch the sun go down if you don't mind."

Sam's smug look turned into a giant grin as he looked over to Cas.   
Fumbling to scoot his chair back, "I think he's referring to me Sam." 

Both Eileen and Sam watched Cas make his way to the staircase and take a mug from Dean. "Is that tea?" Eileen signed. "Yes it's tea, am I not allowed to like tea?" Dean said sarcastically with a hint of actual frustration. "No, no of course not that's fine." Sam had his hands up baffled and wanted to laugh as the couple headed outside.

Dean pulled the two chairs closer that faced west and settled in. The sky was already on its way to night and the crisp air was coming in.

"This is a different brand from what you used to drink." Cas observed.

"You knew I liked tea?" He was completely shocked anyone had found his stash.

"Oh yes one time I was looking in the cupboard when you were away and I was curious what Saltines were. I thought maybe it was something about teens being salty. I had seen that expression when being used online and thought this product was something Claire might like." 

Dean actually laughed so hard he had to put his tea down so he didn't spill it. "What did you see when you searched for salty teens?"

"Oh it was not a good search. I turned off my phone right away to make it go away. I don’t suggest trying it." Cas was quite serious as he took a sip of the now cooling mug. His brow went up as the spicy brew woke up his taste buds. 

"It's good huh?" Dean was already halfway through his. He didn't have the restraint to wait and chanced burning his tongue.

"Yes, it reminds me of the spice markets in Jerusalem."

"When were you in Jerusalem?"

"Uh, this would have been 4 BC. A lot of angels were on earth at that time."

Dean shook his head. "I don't know how you can keep all of that in your brain. You've lived so long. Do you forget anything?"

Cas took a deep breath of the spiced tea closing his eyes reflecting on how to reply. 

"The thing about time is that it's relative. All my time as an angel I made memories, I can remember my timeline of events. But they are like spreadsheets of data. There is no life or love to them. It's not like reading a novel that fills in all that data with actual relatable content." 

Dean looked out to the darkening sky and tried to imagine a life like that.

"When I took you out of hell my life changed. Suddenly I was feeling, I was caring, when I said you changed me it's true. I am not the being I was before you entered it." 

Dean reached for Cas and settled his hand on what he could touch which was his knee. Cas placed his hand on top of Dean's.

"Dean, I am going to need a lot of help. I have nothing, no powers, no money, no human history. It will be difficult for me to really be a human for a while. I know what you just said downstairs. And I want that to be true, but if being together like an actual couple will be too hard I can go, figure it out on my own and come back when I won't be such a burden."

"Stop it, don't try that. No more selfless flogging. We do this together." Dean was never gonna let Cas leave again. Too many times in their past Cas would disappear, they would have a squabble and it could be months with no word. The thought of that happening now made his stomach hurt.

They sat in silence as the sun and light finally fell to full dark. Near the bunker there weren’t many lights so the stars were always easy to see. “Something I never understood about heaven, was it up there in the stars? Like an actual location on a map?” Dean had a lot of questions he never asked because he didn’t want to sound stupid before. He was afraid to be the talking monkey that a lot of angels saw humans as.

“No, it wasn’t a location exactly. It was closer to another dimension. If you continue out past the universe you wouldn’t end up there. You could only get there by being other, by being an angel, or a human soul brought there. But that’s the past, I’m not sure what Jack is planning for humanity now. It’s a little frightening, as a human when I die I actually don’t know where I’ll go. But that is the human experience isn’t it?” He reflected on his ignorance and found it oddly comforting for the first time. He had the same chances, and the same fate as everyone else. 

Dean nodded and they finished their tea sitting until it was too cold to stay out anymore.

When they came back Sam and Eileen were already back in their quarters. They had taken over one side of the bunker and converted a few rooms into a larger master bedroom. All of what was left from the Men of Letters didn’t seem as important anymore but nothing was gotten rid of.

“I would like to take a shower. Are there any clothes and towels I can use?”  
“Oh of course, I’m not used to you needing that kind of stuff. Just give me a second I’ll grab some things.” Dean hurried off to his room and found his favorite tshirt and some other items he figured Cas would need. The towels were all fluffed and put away, Eileen had whipped them into shape on keeping the place tidy now that they weren’t having to leave at a moment's notice for every apocalypse. 

Cas was walking around to see Jack’s room. It was exactly as he remembered it. But there was no dust, someone had been taking the time to clean it and place everything where it had been. It hit him quite suddenly how much they had accepted Jack. When he felt it was his mission to raise and take care of Jack he hadn’t known if the guys would. It had become a make or break point between them, nothing would have made him turn away from Jack, even his love for Dean.

“Here are some things you can use, we’ll go to the store tomorrow you’re gonna need more than your suit to live in.” Dean passed the small bundle of clothes and had a toothbrush on top of the towel.

“Ugh, where should I sleep tonight? I thought maybe Jack’s room.” Cas hesitated waiting to see how Dean felt, maybe it was Sam who had been keeping the room clean.

“Oh, um, no not Jack’s room. We can stay in my room tonight, and then maybe we can do what Sam and Eileen did and convert a whole area to our room.” Dean watched for Cas’s expression, he really didn’t want him to sleep in a different room tonight, but knew he didn’t want to rush things.

“Your room, really?”

“Yeah, I mean, I know it’s just a double bed but we can still be comfortable.”

“No, that’s good. I can do that. I’ll just go take that shower.”

He rushed off to the bathroom probably looking a bit like a spaz. His heart was beating so fast. Pure excitement took over him as he closed the door. He rested against the back of the door holding onto the bundle against his chest. His mind was spinning. He never dreamed he would escape the empty, he never expected Dean to have the same feelings for him. If he was living in his own personal heaven this day would be it. The sudden thought filled him with fear as he tried to not believe this was all a dream made to hurt him.

He had never used the shower in the bunker before, there was never a need when you could instantly clean yourself. The water was ice until he figured out how to make it warm. The sensation of almost falling on a slippery floor was new. Eventually he read, smelled, and used every bottle of liquids in the shower not really sure if he was following the directions correctly. Drying off he put his towel on an empty drying rod and started to look over the clothes Dean had given him. He knew this shirt, it was one he often saw him in when it wasn’t flannel and a jacket. Holding it up to his face to take a deep breath, it was Dean’s alright, in fact it wasn’t even clean but smelled of him in the most comforting way. There was a pair of clean briefs, and socks too. Cas put on everything but the socks and then brushed his teeth. He was very familiar with this part, when he was done it put it in the cup that had one other brush in it.

Coming from the bathroom there was only a sliver of light peeking out from Dean’s door. He looked through the crack to see if he should come in, he suddenly felt very awkward. Dean was on the bed in different clothes reading a book. Cas knocked while pushing the door open. “Where should I put these?” He was holding his clothes in a bundle.

“The chair is fine, we'll get them in the wash tomorrow and you can borrow some more clothes.” Dean had set down his book.

“I didn’t know you liked reading if it wasn’t demonology.”  
“Oh, well not usually, but I've started to finally read some manga that I’ve been wanting to read for years. The library in town has every copy, everytime I go in I switch out for the next one.”

Cas was surprised, it seemed in this new world Dean had changed a little. 

Cas sat on the edge of the bed. “Which side should I take?”

Dean was an all over sleeper he didn’t really have a side. But he put his book on the table so he took the right thinking it made the most sense.

He pushed down the covers and wiggled under as Cas followed and got under on the left side as Dean turned off the bedside table lamp.

They were both laying flat on their backs looking up at the ceiling. 

“So, there is this thing I’ve been wanting to try.”

Dean’s heart stopped, he was happy Cas was back but hadn’t quite expected much from their first night together besides sleep.

“I read about this thing called, spooning. Have you ever done it?”

Dean fought back laughing. He didn’t want to spook Cas or make him feel like he was being made fun of.

“Yeah I have.”

“I think I'd like to be the big spoon. Do you think we could try that?” 

Dean had actually never been the small spoon. With every person he had been with in the past he was always the big spoon, always on the back as a protector. That nagging thought of, “Guys aren’t the little spoon.” repeated in his head until he pushed it down. He hated all the topic masculinity he lived off of for so long with his dad.

“Okay, so I’ll move to my left side and you do the same."

They both shifted sides but still weren't touching. Dean scooted back until he could feel himself press up against the front of Cas. Reaching behind he pulled Cas's arm around so that it was tight against his chest. It was such a different feeling being held like this. Their bodies were lined up, knees bent and nested to each other. Cas pulled in tighter and his breath was tickling the back of Dean's neck. 

"Does it feel the way you thought it would?" 

"Far better actually. But I'm not sure what to do with my other arm. It feels odd here." His fingers brushed against Dean's butt and Dean caught his breath for a split second. "I have put it up under my head." Dean felt him shifting to try and do that.  
"Oh yes, that's much better."

Dean locked his fingers into Cas hand that was resting over his stomach. "I've never been the little spoon before. It's...I like it." Leaning forward Cas kissed the back of Dean's neck. "This reminds me a lot of how I held you when pulling you out of hell. The hand you're holding was further up on your shoulder, but I guess it was a bit like spooning, and my angel blade was in this hand. I killed many demons that day."

Dean smiled, this already felt like the healthiest relationship he'd ever been in. Within moments they were both asleep but still intertwined.


End file.
